My July 5th made me feel so absolutely defeated, not the slightest liberated.
I woke up feeling okay, but to the sound of chainsaws and Latinos shouting in spanish about the damn Eucalyptus trees in the front. Nature and I have this bizarre beautiful relationship. I love nature and respect it, I don't waste water, I don't litter, I dont even spit on the ground, and they cut my trees, all of them. ='[
I cried.='[
that means no birds in the middle of the night, like tonight, it's silent. no one feels like I do tonight. I told someone and well his reaction was less apathetic and more ignored. so whatever man.
It's not that I create bullshit for me to complain about it's just this period in my life is so absoloutly novel, I cannot beleive it.
All the bastards that come into my job, looking for shit to complain about, to get a free lunch.
I guess my government teacher lied to me in high school, telling us about TINFL [ there is no free lunch], something like that.
BULLSHIT. people come in all day & night, complaining about the absence of this, the over dosage of this and every invisible non existent piece of bull imaginable. placing hair on their pancakes, complaining the syrup is too sweet. .... shut yo ass up.
get a life and pay your fucking $6.99 for your grand slam. shit.
insult to injury, working graveyard, I had an entire cup of syrup spilled into my shirt, soaking my bra and making me smell like a pancake for the rest of my shift.- oh yeah I got off work around 2am.
woo work.
AND my pen exploded in my pocket. blue dye eeeeeeeeeeeeeverywhere.
plus there was this cat in there for hours, - I guess he was informed about my business, friend of a friend's friend, assuming he's a part of my life. smh. 3 degrees.
I really am surrounded by insensitive homophobes. that really pisses me off. talking about how 'gay' something is. I wish I had a big ass jagged rock for every dumb mother fucker that has the bold face audacity to say that. considering that gay has always been a positive adjective, gosh damn denotation . I can't even go to work in peace, now that I outed myself and it's not fair that just because of my uh, bisexuality people automatically assume it's all about sex, when in a fact I have yet had an actual authentic experience.
I feel out of touch. fuck this man.
whatever man, its just today has been so absolutely whack I had to rant. I need a blunt.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Otissssss!!
AHHH! So, today was day one of registration.
I woke up mad early so I could be there at 9am. sheesh
It was very, very interesting.
English Placement Tests - too easy.
I Met my first new friend, he was wearing these jeans I tried on in American Apparel several weeks before his name was Micheal something. sheesh
reconnected with a classmate from my then- community college, guess what yo - she lives down the hill from me =O !
I know..
Eh, I made some friends. Got some Info, did my thing, ate for free, you know..
we were given these name tags , bleh. first AND last name.
you know what's cool, I met someone from myspace, accidentally of course he read my name and said; "oh man, Abubakar! Yummie, Right?"
eh, I had taken a back and well, that was cool!
Anyway, on my way out I found this completely good place, interesting timing and a hidden message.
so, I'm waiting for moms to pull up any minute
in the big ass blue limousine of a Volvo. In my spare time I observe my surroundings, its my impulsive neuroticism. I had my camera on me.
There was an ash try next to my right foot, it looked interesting, then I took a second look and saw a rather white interesting box standing out amidst the gray ash and cigarette buds. It said Dreams.
Symbolically it's ironic, well not really but it could be. Dreams in the ash. ehh whatever.
so 6 minutes pass- my mom still is no where to to be found .
this disgruntled homeless looking man scurries down the street, coming in my direction. I wasn't afraid but a little prepared, grabbing my purse, adjusting my posture, I turned my headphones down with two dollars in my hand, you know - just incase.
this dude, looked in the ash tray would you believe it - he took the box of Dreams.
bleh
as soon as he hit the corner, I hear this heavy engine - it's the Volvo.
As soon as I get in the car my mom warns me about this homeless dude near the campus. Smoking cigs.
come to find out it was a cigarette box.
smh.
I'm beat today was just too big.
I found this during my first pee at school
I woke up mad early so I could be there at 9am. sheesh
It was very, very interesting.
English Placement Tests - too easy.
I Met my first new friend, he was wearing these jeans I tried on in American Apparel several weeks before his name was Micheal something. sheesh
reconnected with a classmate from my then- community college, guess what yo - she lives down the hill from me =O !
I know..
Eh, I made some friends. Got some Info, did my thing, ate for free, you know..
we were given these name tags , bleh. first AND last name.
you know what's cool, I met someone from myspace, accidentally of course he read my name and said; "oh man, Abubakar! Yummie, Right?"
eh, I had taken a back and well, that was cool!
Anyway, on my way out I found this completely good place, interesting timing and a hidden message.
so, I'm waiting for moms to pull up any minute
in the big ass blue limousine of a Volvo. In my spare time I observe my surroundings, its my impulsive neuroticism. I had my camera on me.
There was an ash try next to my right foot, it looked interesting, then I took a second look and saw a rather white interesting box standing out amidst the gray ash and cigarette buds. It said Dreams.
Symbolically it's ironic, well not really but it could be. Dreams in the ash. ehh whatever.
so 6 minutes pass- my mom still is no where to to be found .
this disgruntled homeless looking man scurries down the street, coming in my direction. I wasn't afraid but a little prepared, grabbing my purse, adjusting my posture, I turned my headphones down with two dollars in my hand, you know - just incase.
this dude, looked in the ash tray would you believe it - he took the box of Dreams.
bleh
as soon as he hit the corner, I hear this heavy engine - it's the Volvo.
As soon as I get in the car my mom warns me about this homeless dude near the campus. Smoking cigs.
come to find out it was a cigarette box.
smh.
I'm beat today was just too big.
I found this during my first pee at school
Thursday, June 12, 2008
geezeus!
It isn't fair how fear is so available.
So many people are waiting to disapprove me. I've had hand fulls of people saying I'm too big, I'm too curly, I'm too loud, I'm too much, or I'm not enough of something. some guy told me, I'd be unstoppable if my breasts were bigger. Oh, gee. thanks.
What the hell difference does it make how I come off, who's business is it anyway? I dislike how too many people are willing to let other people down, as a sport, you know? How does one get great joy from making someone else feel less than. or in my case the attempt at making me feel less than, I usually pity those that come at me foul. I heard a man say ; " If God is with you, who can be against you?"
How easy it would be to wake up one day only to , 'Fear Not!" I'm very sure it is possible, its just doing so would involve a lot of trust, not within someone else, maybe not even myself, but that is a lot of trust in God. As bad as I grind for the all mighty dollar, I should go with the 'In God We Trust' as ironic as that may be with the absence of God in everyday life.
So uh ' Mister God, you're listening .. , can you help me? Maybe? I'd just like to know, why there's so much adversity. It threatens my happiness. And if what I'm going after is meant to be mine, why do have to try so hard?
Ahh. no answer aye.
Maybe it's because I don't completely trust in God, yet.
Not to validate my reasons, uh wait. yes I am. But, It's so difficult to simply leave every issue in the Lords hands when my neuroticism wants me to work on something myself. INSTANTLY!
It's my nerves and hormones, I'm just so damn frustrated.
I feel I work so hard, I see lots of people around me not lifting a finger, instead pointing the finger at me, telling me how bad I'm making them look.
though, I must press on continuing to do the only thing I do well, be myself.
those that matter don't mind. those that don't matter mind, or something like that.
everything else is absoludacris!
So many people are waiting to disapprove me. I've had hand fulls of people saying I'm too big, I'm too curly, I'm too loud, I'm too much, or I'm not enough of something. some guy told me, I'd be unstoppable if my breasts were bigger. Oh, gee. thanks.
What the hell difference does it make how I come off, who's business is it anyway? I dislike how too many people are willing to let other people down, as a sport, you know? How does one get great joy from making someone else feel less than. or in my case the attempt at making me feel less than, I usually pity those that come at me foul. I heard a man say ; " If God is with you, who can be against you?"
How easy it would be to wake up one day only to , 'Fear Not!" I'm very sure it is possible, its just doing so would involve a lot of trust, not within someone else, maybe not even myself, but that is a lot of trust in God. As bad as I grind for the all mighty dollar, I should go with the 'In God We Trust' as ironic as that may be with the absence of God in everyday life.
So uh ' Mister God, you're listening .. , can you help me? Maybe? I'd just like to know, why there's so much adversity. It threatens my happiness. And if what I'm going after is meant to be mine, why do have to try so hard?
Ahh. no answer aye.
Maybe it's because I don't completely trust in God, yet.
Not to validate my reasons, uh wait. yes I am. But, It's so difficult to simply leave every issue in the Lords hands when my neuroticism wants me to work on something myself. INSTANTLY!
It's my nerves and hormones, I'm just so damn frustrated.
I feel I work so hard, I see lots of people around me not lifting a finger, instead pointing the finger at me, telling me how bad I'm making them look.
though, I must press on continuing to do the only thing I do well, be myself.
those that matter don't mind. those that don't matter mind, or something like that.
everything else is absoludacris!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
I need a hug.
uhg. I feel , no wait I am absolutely pressured.
uhg. between my dead end job, I don't make enough money to simply relax. and how the fuck am I going to pay for school? $30,000 a semester, fuuuuck. I've done a pretty good job with surrounding myself with people that are eh, tolerable, for the most part. I'm just so ready for the grande finale, you know, when you've done well, finally succeeded, and there's no more struggle. of course, I'm handling it, I'm just so tired of being the one to handle it. Paying all the bills, and they keep coming, my mom's hand it out FOR the bill money minutes within I receive my insult of a pay check. Working in circles. I don't like this failed attempt at my American Dream. this is bullshit, i see why most adults speed through traffic, walk around like zombies, and go off on each other at the drop of a dime. But I can't do that, I cannot just go off on a muhhfucka - uhg even when they deserve a good ass kickin. I wish I could. I'm more afraid of what I've lose than what I'd gain. plus my ego is content enough to be pissed off and get over it.
I don't know, yo. AHHH! I gotta blow some steam!
I wish I had some certainty, you know? Or even a concrete relationship.
It's not even like I don't know people, I'm not willing to settle. I'm not willing to compromise my sanity for companionship. Between the jealousy, the tempers, the cheapness, the bullshit, the drama, and occasional bad sex, I simply don't have the interest.
Sometimes I wonder if my father was in my life consistently, I wouldn't be desperately searching for -- nothing.
I'm sure this may insult the few people I do know, maybe it's the time of day, I just feel lonely sometimes. The only certainty I have is my art, it has never failed me. I am thankful for that, buuuuut my camera doesn't hug me back.
And well, on this Sunday night, I wish it did.
uhg. between my dead end job, I don't make enough money to simply relax. and how the fuck am I going to pay for school? $30,000 a semester, fuuuuck. I've done a pretty good job with surrounding myself with people that are eh, tolerable, for the most part. I'm just so ready for the grande finale, you know, when you've done well, finally succeeded, and there's no more struggle. of course, I'm handling it, I'm just so tired of being the one to handle it. Paying all the bills, and they keep coming, my mom's hand it out FOR the bill money minutes within I receive my insult of a pay check. Working in circles. I don't like this failed attempt at my American Dream. this is bullshit, i see why most adults speed through traffic, walk around like zombies, and go off on each other at the drop of a dime. But I can't do that, I cannot just go off on a muhhfucka - uhg even when they deserve a good ass kickin. I wish I could. I'm more afraid of what I've lose than what I'd gain. plus my ego is content enough to be pissed off and get over it.
I don't know, yo. AHHH! I gotta blow some steam!
I wish I had some certainty, you know? Or even a concrete relationship.
It's not even like I don't know people, I'm not willing to settle. I'm not willing to compromise my sanity for companionship. Between the jealousy, the tempers, the cheapness, the bullshit, the drama, and occasional bad sex, I simply don't have the interest.
Sometimes I wonder if my father was in my life consistently, I wouldn't be desperately searching for -- nothing.
I'm sure this may insult the few people I do know, maybe it's the time of day, I just feel lonely sometimes. The only certainty I have is my art, it has never failed me. I am thankful for that, buuuuut my camera doesn't hug me back.
And well, on this Sunday night, I wish it did.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
ouuch.
my usual sunday vice - chicken strips, they're usually veryy fulfilling, satisfying, you know - they hit the spot.
any other day but today. there was some bizzare after taste. it wasn't the usual oil at the roof of my mouth, reminding me how tasty cholesterol can be.
Geeze, my stomach feels like it's scratching my liver and kicking my spleeeen.
=X
No moreeeee cheap chicken.
it hurts.
toooo much.
maybe it's all the candy I've eaten today also.
it could be the coffee I had for breakfast.
=/ today wasn't my foood day.
I feeel like POOO!!!!!
maybe that's what I need, a good mag. my ipod and a lock on the bathroom door.
push this joint.
purrrrrrge myself from the cheap delicacies.
I should've eaten those chalupas instead. =[
any other day but today. there was some bizzare after taste. it wasn't the usual oil at the roof of my mouth, reminding me how tasty cholesterol can be.
Geeze, my stomach feels like it's scratching my liver and kicking my spleeeen.
=X
No moreeeee cheap chicken.
it hurts.
toooo much.
maybe it's all the candy I've eaten today also.
it could be the coffee I had for breakfast.
=/ today wasn't my foood day.
I feeel like POOO!!!!!
maybe that's what I need, a good mag. my ipod and a lock on the bathroom door.
push this joint.
purrrrrrge myself from the cheap delicacies.
I should've eaten those chalupas instead. =[
Monday, January 7, 2008
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